my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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