you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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