Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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