haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
