If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
