im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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