I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
