I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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