wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
