Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
