mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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