Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
