i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Im part way to drunk.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
