i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
