Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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