sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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