Need sex. Gaining weight.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Still dying that you shit outside
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
