Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
did you just send me my own nude
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
