Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
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Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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