Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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