In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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