I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
