Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize