He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
