I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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