A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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