I molested 6 butterflies tonight
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
