i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
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The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
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I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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