can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
