forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
