Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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