Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
