I accidentally had phone sex last night
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
