I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
3pm strippers are depressing
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Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
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I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.