We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!