I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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