The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
