I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
