My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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