Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
