Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
