hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
