meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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