Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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