I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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