Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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