Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
