i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
