i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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