i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
