listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Did I show you my penis last night?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
