I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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