Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
