Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
