Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
