wanna go halves on a baby?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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