Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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