i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
