Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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